Episode 54: Emotional Regulation

Hello my friends, welcome to episode 54! I am so glad you are here. Recently I have been learning and thinking a lot about emotional deregulation. So this is when our primitive brain takes over. When we are losing our minds and just trying to survive.

Now our reactions to things are very different when we are emotionally regulated and when we are not. And the truth is we will move back and forth in and out of regulated states in our lives. Now just to set a clear picture of emotional regulation.

When we are regulated, we can eat, breathe, sit still, consider new ideas, think with our highest brain, feel emotion, process emotion, work with difficult people well, keep our mouths shut when needed, really consider what we are saying, genuinely behave like a well-mannered adult.

When we are not regulated, we are losing our minds, we are reacting to whatever emotion we are feeling and it feels necessary to react immediately to that thing, we are using our primitive brain so everything is put in survival terms, we may not be able to formulate complex ideas or consider other opinions, we can’t eat, we are not breathing calmly, we don’t work well with difficult people – we are much more likely to fly off the handle at them or ignore them and seethe in the corner.

These two states are easy to see in children. The child who is playing nicely, using their words, eating, drinking – a regulated child. A child who is screaming, fighting, has no words, can’t eat, is losing their mind – a deregulated child. And just remember, most adults are just large children who sometimes have coping mechanisms to regulate themselves.

So do you know what regulates you?

Do you know what calms your mind?

Allows you access to your highest self?

Can you recognize in yourself when you are emotionally regulated and when you are dysregulated?

This is a challenging thing.

But just the noticing of dysregulation will often regulate us.

There is true power in noticing.

Now one of the most interesting things that I have learned in a few different workshops by Dr. Jody Carrington, is the power of food in emotional regulation.

What she has said is that we can’t eat or drink when we are emotionally dysregulated.

So here is the power of snacks.

We use this for children, when they are losing their minds, we offer them a snack.

The act of swallowing requires your prefrontal cortex to come on board and that is what emotionally regulates you.

So if you find yourself about ready to lose your mind, grab a snack or a drink and allow that physical action to help you emotionally regulate.

Now in learning that little hack, I have been thinking a lot about other things that emotionally regulate me. Now, these may or may not resonate with you but I encourage you to think about the things that spin you into emotional regulation or spin you into emotional dysregulation.

One thing I notice is that many times when I spin into emotional dysregulation, it is often accompanied by a lot of rumination, and spinning thoughts. So often anything that will pull me out of that rumination is incredibly regulating for me.

So here are some ideas:

Laughter – if I can laugh at myself I don’t get stuck in the story. So I look for things and people who make me laugh. They help me see that life really isn’t as serious as my mind has made it out to be and laughter helps me regulate.

Movement – walking, dancing, moving in any way. I just had this experience today. I had a really tough day with the beginnings of a headache and I was all caught up in a victim story and feeling very hopeless and stuck. A walk after work moved the energy through me, allowed some space around the story, and gave me something else to think about – the cold, the ice I was walking on, and the people I was passing. Movement helps bring me back to my highest self.

Talking about it – there is real power in having a place where you can express your story. Good friends, and an exceptional therapist. This expression of what is going on for you, this guidance about what to do and just to have someone hear you.

Mindfulness- coloring, body scans, simple puzzles, drawing, gratitude, anything that can once again bring us back into the present moment will help us regulate.

Mantras – simple statements that we repeat to ourselves. This one is so interesting because I am not sure we realize the things that we say to ourselves all the time. But what if we intentionally chose to say kind, empowering things to ourselves? I am safe. I am appreciated. I am loved. I am cared for. I have enough. I am enough. I have done enough.

Pausing. A dear friend of mine was telling me about some advice he had heard given to a youth group and it was a leader telling the kids that before they made any decision, to just wait 3 seconds. 3 seconds was all he felt they needed to be able to pause long enough to make a better decision than they would have made with no pause. Pausing doesn’t have to take long but it is really powerful to use a pause to bring our brain back on board and to be able to make a good decision.

Music – often when I find I am getting upset about something, if I put on a good song it can pull me back into the moment and find perspective.

Who I am around – some people are just incredibly regulating and some are very dysregulating. Pay attention to those people who speak to your soul and can calm you down. Know who they are and seek them out when you need them. People who ask really good questions and have the capability to hear any answer. When I feel I have to stay in silence or I have to be very careful of how I say things and make sure they are perfectly politically correct -this is dysregulating for me.

Sleep: this one is huge! Find a way to get more sleep if you need it. When we are sleep-deprived it is so much harder to not lose our minds. And if we are not able to get more sleep then even being aware that we are tired can help us regulate.

So think about you and your life.

What are the things that make you dysregulated?

What are the thoughts that make you dysregulated?

Who are the people whom you find it easy to be dysregulated around?

What are the things that regulate you?

What are the thoughts that regulate you?

Who are the people who regulate you?

It’s not about right or wrong here.

This is all about awareness.

We have the tools to regulate ourselves if we choose to use them.

It will be fun.

Have a wonderful week.