Episode 47: Escape and Prevent Conflict - Complicate

Hello my friends, welcome to episode 47. This is the last of our series on conflict and today we are going to talk about complicating the narrative.

Now I am sure you are thinking that complicating conflict is not a good thing but let’s explore this further.

How often in conflict have you heard a statement like this:

They just never listen to us.

They will not do anything about the problem.

This is the only way to solve the problem and they will not let us do it.

Very simple

Very black and white.

Be wary of this type of thinking and this type of narrative.

Conflicts are seldom that simple and we need to explore the complexity to be able to navigate the conflict gracefully.

How do we accept and allow for complexity?

The greatest tool we have is curiosity.

Now how do we create an environment where we can be curious?

Curiosity requires safety.

Physical and phycological safety.

We have to have some amount of confidence that we are safe to explore the other person’s or group’s opinion.

We have to be safe enough that we can see and admit where we agree with the other group’s opinion.

We have to be safe enough to see that there is likely more than one way the issue can be solved.

If we can create enough safety for ourselves and others to see this common ground and explore all the crazy out of the box ideas we will often come to solutions to the conflicts sooner and in better ways than if we stick to our guns.

So work to create safety. One thing I do sometimes is simply tell myself I am safe. I also tell myself no one is going to die and even just that reassurance creates a little safety for me.

Another way to utilize curiosity is to ask questions!

What is important about that to you?

How do you see that playing out?

Show me.

Teach me.

Help me understand the important parts of this so we can make sure you are taken care of.

If you don’t know what someone wants, Ask them!

Sometimes we are in conflict and we have forgotten what we really want in the first place. Let’s revisit what we want and then see where we can make sure everyone’s needs are met.

Here are a few of the questions that were outlined in the book High Conflict.

1.      What is oversimplified about this conflict?

2.      What do you want to understand about the other side?

3.      What do you want the other side to understand about you?

4.      What would it feel like if you woke up and this problem was solved?

5.      What is the question no one is asking?

6.      What do you want to know about this controversy that you don’t already know?

7.      Where do you feel torn?

8.      Tell me more.

So much of this is us moving conflict forward.

I think conflict is necessary sometimes. We need to be challenging ideas and ways of doing things. This is what leads us to progress.

But we need to do so in a way that doesn’t destroy us or others.

So we can reach back into this tool kit that we have developed on conflict.

We can manage our own emotions.

We can utilize our highest intelligence and we can move forward.

We have to remember that humans are complicated.

I always try to stop myself and say, there is a very logical reason that another person has acted in this way.

Can I understand the reason?

Can I have compassion for it?

And then how do I want to proceed?

We are emotional beings. We react in emotional ways.

This is ok!

It’s actually a really good thing.

But we can also improve how we are operating and we can improve how we deal with conflict. Conflict doesn’t have to trap and destroy us or our relationships. It can be progressive. It can move us forward.

When we take time to understand how complicated the stories really are. When we take the time to consider ideas we normally would reject. When we listen to others we can prevent conflicts from spinning out of control.

We have the tools, now we must practice them.

It will be fun.

Have a wonderful week.