Episode 46: Escape and Prevent Conflict: Time & Space

Hello my Friends, welcome to episode 46. As we continue our conversation about conflict we will talk about time and space today. So as a quick review. Most likely we will all experience some sort of conflict in our lives – understanding a bit more about conflict can help us know how to de-escalate it as well as even avoid it in the future. Two weeks ago, we talked about the importance of stories. How the story we are telling about the situation does affect how the conflict will unfold. And the stories that others are telling also will influence the unfolding conflict. When we have the capacity and the curiosity to investigate these stories we have more influence on the conflict than we would if we stay bought in on our own story. Next, we talked about the role the binary groups and fire starters have to play in escalating conflicts. Recognizing these exist and managing them can be very powerful in keeping our conflicts from becoming life-consuming and overwhelming.

Now just a few more tools we can use to manage the conflicts that arise in our lives.

Let’s start with time.

So often conflict escalates because we try to take action too fast.

We want it done now.

But if you can create time, it gives us time to check our emotions, feel them, investigate the story, see why things matter, calm down, and then we can proceed with the discussion.

We don’t give things time.

Now I am not talking about giving time, hiding out, and avoiding it. It hopes that it will go away.

This isn’t about putting your head in the sand and pretending it doesn’t exist.

This is giving time to contemplate.

This is giving time so that we can use our highest intelligence to solve problems, not our survival instinct.

I will always go back to the saying, “When emotions are high, intelligence is low.”

We want to create time in conflicts so that we can lower our emotions, and raise our intelligence.

The key to this is, is using the time to lower your emotion and raise your intelligence.

This is a skill that most of us are not taught.

This is where I often need help. Turning to coaches, therapists, or other neutral parties can help you work out the situation.

There is a piece of validation that we all need.

Your experience is real. Your feelings are valid. And you still have a choice in how you behave in this situation – some actions may escalate it, some may calm it, and you have so many options.

Where we have to watch out for a time, is when we are using it to escalate the situation for ourselves. Where we really dig into believing our story. Go find all the evidence that we are right. Increase our certainty in our way of thinking and increase our emotional attachment to the outcome. This increase in emotion may just indicate to us that we need support and guidance through this time.

So, where you can in conflict create time.

Just a step back, can we breathe and then return to this?

Can we follow up in a day, week, or month?

Can I think about this for a moment?

When we can create time, we give our brains a chance to move out of survival into intelligence.

The next suggestion is space.

If you are an introvert like me these are both extremely important concepts to help me navigate conflict.

We sometimes need space.

A walk around the block.

A few hours on our own.

A home office.

When we can create space in conflicts, it again creates an environment where we can calm our brains so we can act more from intelligence and less from survival.

Now another way to create both time and space is through thoughtful questions and listening.

When another is telling you to have time to calm your brain.

When you are actively listening and curious about what they are saying and are working to understand it, you don’t have time to be coming up with your argument.

And listening has other magic powers, it validates.

So often our conflicts escalate because we don’t feel the other party is listening, paying attention, or acknowledging us. So we dig our heels into the argument even more because we want that acknowledgment.

Dr. Jody Carrington says, “When they are acknowledged they will rise.”

I think this is so true.

When we are acknowledged. We feel that others have listened to us.

Someone tells us that they see us. That we are not crazy.

So often, then we can rise above whatever story we are in. We can go do the intelligent thing.

Another way to do this is to become an observer of the situation. Think about viewing the situation from above, from the balcony, or from a helicopter.

What insights would that different viewpoint provide?

How would someone observing you describe the situation?

Now I don’t find this particularly easy to do but it’s something I practice.

Just saying, oh two people are talking. One person said this, and another said this.

This person made that mean this.

The other person made it mean that.

We start to create space and time in the conflict. We get perspective. We start using our highest intelligence! The conflict no longer becomes life and death. We find things don’t escalate. We lovingly set boundaries and make changes.

These techniques also help us find the common ground. Which is usually more than we first thought.

Now remember with time and space we need to use this to our advantage. We don’t want to isolate or avoid. In a lot of relationship research, they say we need more positive interactions than negative ones. The numbers range but some were around 5 positive or more to 1 negative keeps a relationship resilient. So, keep this in mind. We don’t want to have zero interactions. We don’t want to never see or talk to the person or other group. We want to find ways to have positive interactions. Sometimes that is just sticking to topics we agree on. Or sending compliments and positive vibes. Eating together.

Little things matter.

Where can you create space and time?

It will be fun.

Have a wonderful week.