Episode 45: Escape and Prevent Conflict: The Binary and Fire Starters

Hello my friends, welcome to episode 45. Thanks for joining me here today. Let’s continue our conversation about conflict. Specifically, about how to avoid getting into or how escape destructive conflicts. Last week we talked about the part that stories play in a conflict. How important it is to be curious about another person’s story and have the space and capacity to hear that story if we are going to avoid or escape these types of high conflict.

The next two points that Amanda Ripley mentions in her book High Conflict in the section about avoiding and escaping conflict are avoiding the binary and fire starters.

Let’s start with the concept of binary.

So often in conflict, there is us and our group and there is them and their group.

The moment we have the two groups we have created a binary.

Us and them.

Now we may come up with some very creative names, one mentioned in the book High Conflict was the old guard and the new guard.

But the senior group and the junior group.

One team vs another team.

This can create the binary.

Our brains will naturally want to do this.

Our brains love the organization and the safety of the binary.

But this can fuel conflict.

So what can we do to reduce or avoid the binary?

1.       Don’t form groups if they are not needed. Simply don’t make it an option. Watch where your brain wants to form these groups – us against them.

2.       If you do, form groups and try to form more than 2. Simply have more options so that there is more choice.

3.       Also recognize that there is often more in common than you think between the groups. In Think Again by Adam Grant, he talks about the power of this in debate. In a way, a debate is a conflict that hasn’t gone bad. Seeing and noting where we are the same, the points that are all looking for a solution, where we actually want the same things. This can be a powerful tool in seeing that we are all the same and helping us not plot ourselves against each other.

4.       Make people switch groups. I love this idea. Let them do each other’s jobs and then see how they respond. When we have the opportunity to understand another’s perspective we are less likely to get wrapped up in a conflict with them. We also have more of an ability to speak their language again reducing the chance of extreme conflict.

5.       This last one I love too. If you see someone reaching out, going against the binary, or working to get out of conflict – BE Welcoming. We sometimes reinforce the binary by living by it. If others reach out, they are the enemy we will not accept or welcome them. But if we did would we be able to reduce the binary? Once again see we have something in common, See we have the same goals, see that we don’t have to be in conflict.

The next concept is to avoid Fire starters.

Now I am not talking about the saw dust candles or the actual gasoline but I am talking about the people who act like them.

You know that person. The one that likes to stir up a little drama. The one that spreads the rumor just to the person that will get upset about it. The person that will make the controversial comment just to get the group riled up. The person that brings up the political debate just to liven up the family dinner. Or the person that just had to tell you the story so that you wouldn’t be surprised but they knew it would upset you. The person that gets upset and then goes to your boss instead of coming and getting clarification from you.

That fire starter. They are also called conflict entrepreneurs.

Where ever you can avoid them or create distance in your life.

They can draw you into high conflict so fast.

They know just the right buttons to push that have you responding in a flight or fight way. The things that you just have to take action on.

These knee-jerk reactions that we regret later. The fire starter’s favorite thing.

We can watch for where they tell the lie. Watch for where they create the binary. Watch for where they use all-or-nothing language. Watch for where they fuel humiliation.

This need for drama, this need to be in the middle of it, this need to keep the conflict going.

Even this needs to fuel it.

Where ever we can we want to create distance from these people or come up with a plan for when we are around them.

Simply anticipating what they might come up with and deciding that you won’t engage in certain types of conversations with them, or planning to be amused by their comments can be powerful tools in not getting roped into conflict with these types of individuals.

I have heard said that there are no toxic people, only toxic combinations. One person might be a fire starter or conflict entrepreneur in one situation or with certain people but maybe one for you. They may be completely lovely people so we don’t need to create conflict by categorizing them. But seeing that you may need to create distance or not rely on them for information or advice because of the conflict that you find yourself in when you are around them may be necessary for a short amount of time or maybe longer.

Escaping conflict is not easy. For so many of us, these conflicts can be very close to home so seeking support, recognizing where we may be contributing to the conflict in our way of thinking or speaking, and recognizing where we are triggered or where we seem to engage more in the conflict can be helpful as we make our escape.

Look at your conflicts – where was a binary created? And were fire starters involved?

This is an important exploration we can go on looking back at past conflicts to help us learn, avoid, and escape destructive conflicts in the future.

It will be fun.

Have a wonderful week.