Episode 44: Escape and Prevent Conflict - The Understory

Hello my friends, welcome to episode 44. I had to do an episode to follow up from last week. Understanding conflict is interesting. Understanding and recognizing the difference in types of conflict can be very reassuring and validating. But if you are like me then when you are in a conflict you just want to know how to make it end or how to prevent it from escalating out of control in the first place.

I have had many conflicts escalate in ways that I never imagined they could. Reading high Conflict by Amanda Ripley put some of those situations in perspective. It helped me see where my thinking and my actions contributed to my being pulled into the conflict, in some cases even perpetuating it further, and contributed to it escalating into high conflict.

There are experiences where I have sat back in my chair and wondered what it the world happened there. How did that possibly turn into this complete mess? It never needed to be like that.

It is always a bit easier to prevent conflict than escape it but first, we have to remember that both are possible.

So let’s talk a little more about these methods. They are outlined in the book High Conflict by Amanda Ripley and these are talked about in the chapters and outlined in Appendix II.

1.       The understory!

This is so interesting to me. As a coach, I often hear people’s stories. They tell me they are mad at their boss, they can’t stand their mother or mother-in-law, they are angry with their dad, and they don’t speak to their siblings anymore. As they are telling me these challenges they are facing I often have to ask them, why is that a problem?

This is getting to the understory.

Why is it a problem for them that their co-worker acts that way?

Why is it a problem for them that the email wasn’t returned?

Why is it a problem for them that their mother stops by for a visit?

Just as every experience we have in life has an understory so does every conflict. If we are to extract ourselves from a conflict or prevent one in the future we have to get curious about the understory.

We want to understand why they care so much about things being done their way. What meaning did the event have when it happened the way that it did?

Now we don’t wonder about this so we can correct it. There is nothing wrong with how things were interpreted. We just need to understand it so we can get perspective on it. People need to feel heard. They need to know that you understand why it is so important to them, as we feel heard and understood it often increases our capability to hear and understand others. When we are ignored and pushed aside we will often do that to others.

It is a very interesting cycle we get ourselves into.

What is interesting in conflict as it is in life coaching is that often under anger is fear. If we remember that, the understory can be heartbreaking where the surface conflict was infuriating.

Creating environments where the understory can be revealed can be difficult to do but even creating that for ourselves can be incredibly powerful. I started doing this as part of a journaling practice. Just writing one thing a day that upset me and why it mattered to me. The unused templates at work upset me because they created work that I felt was unnecessary and I felt the past work I had put in was wasted. The silence in meetings upset me because I felt there was something to say but I didn’t feel safe to say it. The work gossip upset me because I felt I had no say in the future and I was missing out on opportunities. The change in plans upset me because I had canceled on others and now the opportunity was gone.

See how we can reveal the understory. Reveal the “Why”. See the reason that these events are problems for us and start to understand the reasons that things are problems for others.

These stories and meanings create interpretations of events. These viewpoints are the drivers behind the conflicts and the reasons conflicts escalate.

Part of this interpretation is the emotion that comes with it.

How does it feel?

We have to ask this question because that feeling is the driver for behavior.

One emotion I learned so much about from the book High Conflict was humiliation.

I knew humiliation felt horrible but I didn’t realize how it contributes to conflict.

I have seen this for myself. I have been humiliated and I have humiliated others.

The result is never pretty.

When we are humiliated we might hide for a while and then lash out or we might lash out immediately. But humiliation usually leads to some sort of protective action.

So if you have the opportunity to humiliate someone, don’t do it. It can escalate conflict so quickly.

If you accidentally humiliate someone, let’s practice those apology skills and do our best to make it right and increase our positive interactions with that person to rebuild that relationship.

If you are humiliated, you need to process that emotion. When we act from humiliation, it usually is some form of retaliation that will escalate a conflict.

So once again, we come back to the story. It matters.

It matters how we interpret the world, It matters how others interpret the world.

We have to create environments where that story is safe to be revealed. Mediators, therapists, and coaches can help create that. They can help create curiosity. Help you see the story, Help you hear the story of others.

 We have to want to know why things are important to others. This story will influence conflicts so much.

Let’s uncover the understory.

It will be fun.

Have a wonderful week.