Episode 5: Regret

I recently had a friend suggest I listen to an old country song called the Song for Jake by Dave Stamey. If you like old country please go listen to this song – if you don’t like old country music – please just stay with me. We are going to discuss just a few of the lyrics that I think will be interesting and hopefully helpful as you navigate the emotion of regret.

The first line of the chorus: is “Some folks regret the lives they lead. They stare out the window and yearn to be free.”

Let us first note how this is written – regret the lives that they lead.

This is regret in the present moment.

This is regretting the things that we have right now.

I know that there are lots of times I look back and regret the things of the past – but this would be “some folks regret the lives they have led.” But those aren’t the lyrics and this has really got me contemplating regret and how it affects our present moment.

Now sure – we can look back and feel regret for things in the past – but we cannot change the past so I think that is just work we need to do on cleaning up our thinking about our past.

But what are the effects of feeling regret for the present moment – regret for the lives that we lead.

To me this is the regret that causes us to miss out on all the joy and changes that we could make now to have a more joyful present and a more joyful and completely different future.

So, what causes regret?

1. Believing that things should be different: Things not working out as planned - expectation or entitlement: this is the believing that things should have turned out differently then they did. Or that we deserve things to be perfect. 

   a. Reaction to emotion: this one we often see with anger. This is the screaming, yelling, berating someone else, throwing things.

   b. Regret the lives that they lead – they believe that they should have a different life than they have.

2.  Believing that we can’t change them.

   a. Shutting down: this one we see with shame – believing that we are bad and very different from guilt: this is when we just do nothing.

   b. They stare out the window and yearn to be free – this is the belief that they can’t change it.

 Now let’s look at regret - Regret is an emotion or a feeling.

All feelings come from our mindsets or our thoughts.

What are we thinking about our lives that causes us to feel regret?

Why are we choosing to think those things?

When we feel regret, what actions do we take?

For me, I don’t take productive action

For me it leads to rumination /story fondling

Does not lead to productive action.

I create this result: Not taking action leads to me not having the live that I want 

Regret the lives that we lead – this is regret in the present moment. Why might this cause problems for us?

Not regretting the things in the past.

We feel regret – in the present but we sometimes look back and feel regret now for things we have done in the past.

Regretting what they have right now.

That is all we actually have is the present moment.

I shouldn’t have

I shouldn’t be what I am right now.

We miss the current moment.

We are looking back – folks regret the lives that they led. This would be the past.

We can’t change our past.

We can always influence our present

When folks regret the lives that they lead – we continue

We don’t change the future because we believe that we can’t have a different future

1. Process emotion – I am feeling X because I am thinking Y

2. This emotion feels like ______in our bodies.

3. Go get help – this doesn’t come automatically - therapy, coaching. The war between my ears is way less than it used to be. 4 years of working on myself. 

It will be fun.

Have a wonderful week.