Episode 20: Resentment
Welcome to Episode 20, my friends. Thanks for joining me today.
I have recently been thinking about resentment.
I know what a great topic! But it came from a comment by Jennifer Finlayson-Fife where she said in part that it is easier to resent someone than to address what is going on with yourself.
Well, the actual quote is “It’s easier to resent your spouse for not valuing you than to value yourself enough to stand up for something that needs to be addressed.”
It is easier to resent your co-worker than to have a conversation
It is easier to resent your boss than to have a conversation
It is easier to resent your help than to ask for what you need or to make changes within yourself.
The reason resentment is easier is because it is busy mind work.
So it doesn’t do anything.
IT just really winds you up.
Your mind is creating evidence that the other person should be different than they are and you know all the reasons.
We choose resentment because it is a passive action.
We are completely wound up in the story but we don’t have to actually take any risk or be vulnerable to get ourselves out of that or to have sustainable change in our life to have improvement to have growth if we stay in resentment.
I am ok with having a bit o resentment.
I heard John Maxwell say that Negative emotion is a very strong catalyst but it isn’t a sustainable energy source.
So when we can use a negative emotion to get ourselves moving.
Anger
Resentment
Where we get into trouble is where we indulge in those emotions instead of using them as a catalyst and then moving into a positive emotion of change or just to move into being uncomfortable because we are taking actual action toward change.
Resentment feels very powerful.
But where you lose power in resentment is that we very quickly shift our focus to things that we cannot control. IT is an easy emotion to focus on what others did or not doing instead of what we can do and need to be doing. This is where we think we have power because we are trying to control other people but they are not obeying but we are not taking on the responsibility ourselves of where we could make changes to improve our experience or to be able to reinvent ourselves to have a completely different reality. We often want others to change instead of taking on changing ourselves – setting boundaries, treating ourselves well, learning new things to help us have a different future, taking risks, you have no power in resentment because your focus is on there.
Often people we resent don’t even know that we resent them.
Often they are ticking through their lives and we are just sitting over there angry and they have no idea.
We may need a little resentment to get ourselves moving or to know that something is wrong that needs to be addressed.
We sometimes need a little resentment to spur us into action but never let yourself stay in resentment and move function, and work in a place of resentment because it will catch up to you.
Very similar to story fondling - we just go over our evidence
Jennifer Finlayson-Fife – “Resentment is a signal that there is something that needs to be addressed in your life. It is the canary in the coal mine. Pay attention to it.”
Use it as a warning signal
Use it as a catalyst
Our negative emotions are ultra useful in telling us that a change is needed or that there is something that needs to be addressed.
So find out why you are resentful.
Where do I commonly see resentment?
For success – where someone has received the promotion, the praise, the opportunity,
For mistakes – where we behave poorly, or others behave poorly, when we do or say the wrong thing
For consequences – when the outcome is negative, having to pay the price, or even others not paying the price.
For impacts – when there is a negative impact on ourselves or others, people get hurt, having to do more work, missing out on personal time.
Thinking that feeds resentment:
Thinking people should be different than they are.
Thinking that people should live up to their words every time.
Thinking that people should make things easier for us.
Thinking that we are entitled to something.
Not getting what we want and thinking that we should.
Living to earn approval from others that they don’t deliver in the way that we want.
So if we are feeling resentment what do we do:
1. Understand why:
a. what viewpoint do you have that is the reason for the resentment?
b. What is the thing that needs to be addressed?
c. Why haven’t you addressed it?
d. What is important to you that you are not getting?
2. Determine what is in your control
a. Your thinking
b. Your attitude
c. Your actions
3. Take action
a. Make a request
b. Talk to someone about it – get another perspective. Get a life coach.
c. Take care of yourself.
d. What need can I fill for myself today?
We have so much more power over our emotional lives than we think we do.
Take the time to think about yours.
It will be fun.
Have a wonderful week.